ok so I keep having panic attacks and general depression.

 

and since I started/stopped the medication its been worse than ever

 

last saturday I could not stop crying at my friends house. I had to excuse myself and go upstairs and cry in her bedroom for 4 hours.

 

I'm realizing that these bad feelings have never left or "gotten better" over the years. I've merely suffocated my feelings with over-eating or binging and purging. I try to deceive myself into thinking that things are ok in me but they're not. everything is so so wrong.

 

I blame myself for everything.

 

I get so angry at myself.

 

why are you so ugly?

why are you so fat?

stop eating you ugly girl

no guy would want a girl as fat and ugly as you

you're ugly. what the hell made you think you had something beautiful in you?

 

and it goes on. and it nags at me every day.

 

All I can do is cry. I cant stop crying right now.

 

 I just feel so helpless and pathetic.

 

thats how I really feel though.

 

and whats sad is that tomorrow I'll wake up, and feel ok for a little bit and then it will start over. I'll see my friends and be dying to tell them but truthfully they wouldnt know what to do or say.

 

but I'm just dying to plead with them to hug me, or keep me in their thoughts. but thats so weak of me. I mean my life is pretty good.  cant complain too much. but its a mental illness, not a problem with my outside world.

 

my mind is set to self sabotage and I cant flip the switch.