that black blob in the corner is me

anyhoo its about time for me to write.

     I really miss this site, or maybe I miss what it used to be to me. Scarily enough there was a time 5 years ago that I checked this site almost every 30 minutes. I would even wake up in the middle of the night to blog. I was a 14 year old who had to drop out of school because I was suicidal and couldn't face the tormentors at school anymore. I remember a few days after dropping out I figured I should try finding a place to "blog" at. So I literally googled "blog" and mindsay was the third or fourth site to pop up.

     I can't believe that I'm still alive, and that I somehow made it through everything. I probablly could have done it without my mindsay friends, but you all sure fucking helped.

     I graduate in less than 2 weeks. I'm kind of scared. I still need to send out more applications to colleges but it so fucking tedious x_x It'll be my first time living away from home independent of my mother. You think I'd be thrillled. And I am, to a degree, but I'm just apprehensive of growing up. Whatever school I go to though, I'll be more free to be whatever sexual preference I'd like to express.

     I really hate the term bisexual. Men are typically deaf, but if the word is mentioned, one a football field away will come running. If you say you are there's always the assumption that you will fuck anything and are always up for threesomes. Lately I've been telling people I'm a lesbian or 75% lesbian. I don't care if I scare my women friends off with this news to them, I'm just so fucking tired of the threesome question, and I'd also like to attract more women, because honestly bisexuals are a tricky group. 

     You have your bisexuals who just like fucking. They don't want a relationship with anyone, or if they do it's just with men. I don't think these people are truly bi but most people label them that. Then you have people like me who still like men a little, but 3/4 times you'll take the woman. Then there's the opposite of that. And last of all you have your bi-curious. I'll leave those girls to the full blown lezzies. They fucking piss me off. You tell them you're bi or lezzie and then they get all up on you because they want to explore their feelings, and then back off last minute or they fuck you a few times and decide they're straight. There are more possibilities, but that's just what I've dealt with.

     My friend Amanda told me she was bi-curious. Thats fine. The she told me her boyfriend wanted a threesome. I boo-ed that idea. Threesomes gross me out and I would never do one. After I told her I hated threesomes she called her boyfriend up and told him that I didn't like threesomes and she didn't know anyone else. I then told her I really am more lesbian these days. Her response to this was to parade around naked in front of me, and then want to cuddle. You think I'd be thrilled? No. I mean I liked seeing her naked, she's got a nice body, but throwing yourself at me solely because of my sexual preference isnt attractive to me. And there's the whole boyfriend part too. Ew.

     Anyhoo the point to that rant is that I may refer to myself as a lesbian now, but I still like men kind of but not really.

     I have all this school shit anyways, so i don't even have time for either gender. That older woman who lives kind of far from me still likes me. For awhile she'd call me several times a day. I think she wants a relationship, but I don't have the time and I lack the desire. Also, she's too easy to manipulate. I probablly would end up walking all over her. I even said a shitty thing or two to her. Not on purpose, but it just slipped out. When we were at a restaurant I mentioned something about our waitress being hot which was SO shitty of me but then I recovered by smothering her with attention and paying for lunch. The other instance was when we were talking on the phone and I said something about "well you know I'm used to women paying for me" and then she started apologizing and saying if I drove down she'd pay for my gas and food. :-( I suck as a person and she's sweet. She's bi also. I see her marrying a guy and having kids.

     I guess this is why I'm attracted to assholes (both male and female). Either I walk all over someone or I let them walk all over me.

     and if you didn't feel like reading all that, that's why I posted a few pics from my friend's party the other night. It was impromptu, but fun. I mention that, because in the pic I don't have a bathing suit on, but rather the camo shorts and black shirt. Too dykey for me, but the clothes fit.

~Angel

I get my AA degree in less than 2 weeks O_O

my class/test was canceled, which was an uber yay for me since i didn't study for my test, however my next class isn't till 11 x_x As for how I've been doing, well I'm back on anti-depressants (yay!) and I don't feel like dying everyday!

Right now I'm kind of going out with a MUCH older woman. I'm not really sure how I feel about it though. I think I might just like her because she adores me. She's attractive and sweet but I'm not sure if I'm feeling her that much. That's alright though. It's still nice to have some form of attention, and even better that it be a woman.

It's just that at this point in my life the idea of having any relationship with a man makes me sick to my stomach. The stereotyped gender roles just agitate me, and it seems when it comes to men I automatically fall into that quiet, submissive category and feel I need to "girl it up" alot. oh yeah, and lose like 80 pounds. but I see no need for that with a woman. Whether I gain or lose weight, look butch one day and femme another, or wear no makeup, it doesn't matter. And even if she rejects me, it doesn't sting quite so much. There aren't those questions of "if I was prettier, or thinner" etc because in the lesbian/bisexual world you would be second guessing yourself all day. And as you know, women are indecisive and insane, so i really can say I did nothing wrong.

A friend of mine on here told me that to overcome these feelings I should treat men like they're lesbians. I tried for about an hour, and gave up. It's not that I don't like men, they just seem to piss me off alot more easily. Better yet, it's easier to write someone off as a jerky muscle-head who loves skinny blondes and ignore them when truly they're a creative genius who may indeed like skinny blondes, but finds you attractive as well. It's so easy just to walk about in a bubble and block everyone out, but at the end of the day you will have lost many potential friends that could enrich your life.

today I'm going to try to break the cycle.