You will never be able to do anything perfectly, so don't fear the idea of failing. If you never try, then that is purposely taking ahold of inaction. If we are inactive and unwilling to bend with change, we become stiff and brittle and fall apart when changes comes to us. Flowing with and trying to understand before jumping to an extreme emotion sounds like ridiculous hippie mumbo jumbo, but there is much truth to it. I am here, present, and now. I am trying to understand what that means. I think I am starting to get it, but it will take more meditation to really feel it.

I went to the Thai temple today with my mom and aunt who were visiting. On Sundays they sell tasty Thai food to raise money for the temple. I had never entered the temple before and only came to consume. I was feeling so anxious and stressed out at the thought of the mammoth amount of papers I have to do before tomorrow. I was having a hard time enjoying myself. After we finished eating, I decided to go inside and meditate. It was so beautifully silent inside. And as I sat there with myself and the beautiful details of the temple, I realized how fast my heart was beating. I was so stressed out, and focused on being stressed out that I didn't even notice how my heart was beating out of my chest. We get so caught up in our problems and the things that are going to be happening minutes, seconds, days from now. However, we do not realize what is happening to our bodies in the moment, and the damage we do to them.


I sat still and just breathed. The silence was so beautiful. The experience of being there with myself and enjoying that moment was amazing. I felt this wave of peace roll over me. I teared up a bit, but not in a hysterical way. It was more of a few tears of relief. It felt good not to feel hurried, upset, or thinking about the next steps I needed to be taking. I was just Angel. Angel who hasn't taken care of her body in a long time. I would rather run around doing everything but pay attention to myself. I would rather do anything but make myself feel better and do good to my body and mind.

I want to go back and also develop my own space in my house devoted to meditating and centering myself. Thich Naht Hanh said that meditating is not about escaping this world, but rather it prepares us to go back into it. I don't know how long I sat there meditating, but when I walked out I really did feel this sense of peace and calm. And I noticed how quickly I become hostile over dumb things. I don't want to be an angry bitter person.

Today I will try my best. No need to stress. I am here now and doing what I can now.

Timelines. Guidelines. Blinded by what only the short sighted eye can spot immediately. But if I, just I can spot one thing further I can pretend I don't see the flaws in front of me so I won't hurt her. The truth hurts, and baggage is obvious. And see baby, I don't care if you got that luggage, it's just the way you carry it. If you let it drag you down, or force it on unwilling and unknowing people. It's not the luggage itself, but the way you handle it. You carry that suitcase like it was nothing, because you're in control and you don't give a fuck. And I love it.

Dear Sex,

Please show up on my door step in an attractive and timely manner.

Love, Angel